Death in the family etiquette.

[jennlk]

Nobody any of you know. Even J's never met him.

My dad's brother died Saturday. My folks got a call from his guardian/girlfriend on Sunday. He'd been in a VA foster care home for the last 15 years, and had been in rocky mental territory for at least 5 years before that. (PTSD from 'Nam, alcohol abuse. Knowing Boris, probably drugs.) He's essentially been 'dead' for 15 years (hadn't recognised anyone in the family or his girlfriend for 10-12 years, at least). Do I send a card? And what kind? I feel like I should, but what kind of card do you send when the deceased has been 'alive' in body only for the last 15 years? The usual 'hold on to the memories' card just isn't appropriate, since that's all we've had for the last 15 years. (No memorial, he's being cremated and the ashes scattered. "Don't put me in a box", he once said.)

Comments

[bwittig.livejournal.com]

You might consider a donation to the VFW or VA or other appropriate charity in his memory. Or how about contributing to whatever your Dad is sending/doing?

Sometimes it seems more difficult when the loss long comes before they physically leave. I had the problem with parents-in-law which essentially stopped parenting 30 years ago. I didn't come up with a good solution then either.

Good Luck!

[also-huey.livejournal.com]

A couple years ago, I went to the funeral of a man who, in my 37-year-life, I'd never once known as anything other than 'that senile old guy'. He'd been pretty much gone for my entire life, and then he - well, whatever was left of him - was gone from the world. Whatever gesture you make for someone like that, it isn't going to be for the person you've lost, because you haven't really lost anything - it's going to be for the people left behind who have actually lost something, the people who remember the person that once was, and grieve. So, either send flowers to the service, donate to the whatever-it-is-you're-supposed-to-donate-to, or else just skip that and send something to the people who are actually feeling some sense of loss.

In my case, it was my mother who lost her decades-senile stepfather, and I was happy to be there for her when she needed someone to lean on while she dealt with it. Mom: if you're out there, stop reading Tracey's friends-list. It's creepy. Also? I love you.

The dead are gone; their funerals are for the people that they leave behind.